ARIEL'S GUIDE to SUCCESSFUL LIVING

I knew I wanted to have a Hurricane Irene party, but I didn’t know where to begin. So I decided to ask my friend, Stormy Weathers, CEO of Natural Disaster Party Planners Inc., for her expert advice.

ARIEL [A]: Thanks for being here Stormy. I can only imagine you’re pretty slammed right now.

STORMY [S]: My pleasure Ariel.

A: So I guess my first question is who should I invite to my Hurricane Irene party? Am I obliged to invite all my friends who live in evacuation zones?

S: [Laughs] That’s the number one question everybody asks, and the answer is absolutely not. You’re throwing a party. You’re not opening a shelter. I recommend only inviting your closest friends. This is key because as the storm progresses, you may lose power, and nobody wants the creepy neighbor guy from down the street taking advantage of the blackout to get too close for comfort. A good rule of thumb is to only invite friends whose bowel movements you don’t mind sitting in your toilet for a while until the water starts working again.

A: Great. Now as far as refreshments, what do people normally provide?

S: The most important thing to have on hand is a lot of alcohol. A lot of people try to make mixed drinks, but who wants a lukewarm vodka cranberry once all the ice has melted? Nobody!!! I prefer red wine, because it can be enjoyed at room temperature.

A: I would have thought it’s more important to have water over alcohol.

S: Who are you, FEMA? Water is not for parties. Besides, if anybody really gets thirsty just tell them to go outside and open their mouth. That’ll shut them up.

A: Hmmm. Okay. What about food?

S: This is where it gets fun. Right when everybody gets there, I like to have a contest to see who can eat the contents of the refrigerator and freezer the fastest.

A: That does sound fun. What about stuff like raw eggs and frozen meat though? I guess you just have to throw that stuff out, huh?

S: Only if your friends are LAME-Os!!! [Laughs] Anyone who really takes contests seriously will comply with the rules, no questions asked.

A: That seems a little cruel, but you’re the expert so…What are you supposed to eat after the contest is over?
S: Now that depends on your budget. I’m a big fan of Amy’s Organic Soups, but if those are too expensive, the next best thing is Progresso. If that brand is too much you’ll have to go with Campbell’s, and if Campbell’s is still too much you should just give up right now and declare bankruptcy.

A: Yeah, Campbell’s is as bad as Chef Boyardee.

S: Don’t you EVER insult Chef Boyardee to my face again! He is a gentleman and a scholar and one hell of a chef, and I won’t allow him to be disrespected in my presence.

A: Sorry?

S: You bet your ass you’re sorry. What else? I need to get out of here and have a cigarette.

A: Just one last thing. What’s your advice for decorating?

S: Seriously? What are you- stupid? Candles. Candles, candles, candles! You can buy those Catholic prayer candles at the bodega for a dollar, if those fucking hipsters haven’t bought them all up already.

A: Okay. Well Stormy, that’s it. Thank you for- [Stormy exits slamming the door behind her] What the fuck just happened?